Torture Every Day

Updated as of 1.17.2012

It’s Torture Everyday.  - Deep Thoughts

So much bothers me every day and you never want to talk about it, no body because you are HAPPY with my life, misery being in my life, you love it. You don't want me to progress, you love keeping me down. Love torturing me.

I'm trying to stay as positive as Alex Jones and I apologize if I get too bitter at times (i feel i should be doing more, however at times I just feel exhausted and wonder if I'm just wasting my time on certain things, I feel like I’m failing), you have to understand it's easier for him, he has love in his, a family, I don't. I'm single, no kids. I never get any love from the women I love in my life (family included). The only attention I get from any of them is rare & only when they need it. They hate me, everyone it seems. It's like yeah we see each other but I feel to them it's their duty, like something they need to get done in their life, an obligation where they would rather be with someone else. For me I love everyone, I really do and want to be as social as I can be, but what hurts is having to always bite my tongue and not really able to express all of the thoughts in my head that I can't ever seem to be able to express to others, rant to others, etc. because they will think I'm crazy, it's really bad here for me compared to others out there. It's why I blog so much, though I wish I could get on the air like Alex, but I'm stuck behind a computer all day and only one or two people I know and rarely get to see cause they live far away understand me and care to listen to me, and that's cause they are smart and care.

With "her", I don't know what the hell makes me ever be such an idiot to think I ever had a chance or at least friends, I mean I'm so far off they don't even like me as friend, they just don't care for my presence for anything. My really non-friend of misery. It's just I've been rejected before like this, dumped coldly as if I’m sick, crazy, the restraining order is on me type feeling. Not like when I was school where rejected or dumped but it was normal, she would still come around at least, talk, whatever. lately just rejected coldly, I mean badly and more badly because it wasn't really by their words saying what I'm feeling such as "I hate you", God I wish I could hear that so I knew for certain, like what the hell is about me that bothers them? So instead, it’s their actions. Ignoring me, never giving me attention and if they ever do, it’s because they “have to”. It’s the worse when they act it but are coward to admit it and they know this, engaging in the occult, holding in what they truly believe, feel, do daily, etc. they are so secretive. Either mixed signals or me badly reading things wrong but I rarely am wrong on things (except with women), just too many things that happen that has confused me. It's the torture of she gave you attention and then stopped, hurting the hell out of you because you want more of it, it’s all you want is her attention, yet instead my attention is on everything else which happens to be negative as well. It’s like why bother giving me all the other attention to begin with? just constant "why" in my head, why did you act this way, that way, only thing I can think of was to deliberately hurt me, as if you are a part of the Illuminati, like they are constantly trying to set me up, obedient to sick things in life and you laugh at my misery or failure of mine daily. You wish it. Never cared, only whatever sick thing you desired at the moment for only yourself. I mean cause it's an unconfirmed feeling, you don't hear it, you never hear from her that she hates you for that certainty, but because of how she behaves or behaved, you constantly feel it or wonder it. I just get so sick and tired of the same BS every day, not just from "her" but everyone. NO LOVE. Less and less secure I feel. I mean if I only had some hope in something, just one thing to go right. It's with everyone I know, well not everyone for the most part interacting to get our responsibilities done, it's great, it's the other personal, leisure time with people, day in day out live my life through them, as if they are the expert as to what is right and wrong, yet so wrong, so wrong on everything they believe and act on things. I mean the way they handle everything is wrong and always makes crap worse, makes me feel worse. It’s so torturing, mentally the most.

The way our society is and how everyone keeps secrets while constantly advocating to you what is bad for you, it wouldn't surprise me if they all attend "eyes wide shut parties." I mean they’re the ones that continue to deny, ignore, living in secrecy, never open up, occult, live in fantasy world or this false reality, pretend some things don't exist, etc.

No trust.

I wish the Illuminati would take me out, somebody will have to cause I have no idea how to myself.

I'm alone because I signed my life away. Isn't that what they say when you buy a house? As soon as I bought the house I'm living in and now a crap market that doesn't allow you to get out has signed away any chances I had with anyone. If there is any advice I could give, don't lock yourself into a mortgage in a crap economy by yourself because it's not very attractive. Stay mobile (rent, living somewhere as cheaply as you can). It's not very unattractive even though another bubble will occur I'm sure in the years ahead if we allow the same BS to continue which I guess it will if were such failures at waking people up and the whole status quo of things never changes like everyone supports. I mean it's really not a huge deal to sell at the moment when you don't have kids going to college yet anyway, so eventually their tuition that is in the home will come out whenever you decide to sell or stop renting it out.

I'm single because people can't really handle being around someone who criticizes their government so much and how much I value truth and how focused I am on real issues first, taking care of responsibility first before having fun. My mindset is work now, play later instead of the opposite who just appear to work. Everyone knows you have to lie a lot to be successful in a relationship and I don't like to lie. So there, there's your answer! Some can shoot back the confidence card but that is really a CON game.
 
And the biggest reason I have my website is to give others an insight into what I know, since it's hard to share my beliefs or this type of information. Being single with no other responsibilities or distractions other than work, I'll continue with this because I feel it's my duty to not take care of something that you feel is a responsibility, like I feel like I must be caring about something to better our society, if not a woman (wife) first then our lives next right? So if I met someone that didn't care for this activism of mine and this website it could go bye bye who knows but for now it remains since I have nothing else to do while in jail (the police state and slavery). I mean I don't know how else I am able to engage in a relationship with someone (even with my friends) without people knowing what I know which is always vastly different than the average person. In other words, I don't really have a choice. It's like when I have that free time, nothing else to attend to, I have that naturally feeling to do something good all the time in order to try and better the world for us, so I just do what naturally comes to my mind, whatever I naturally feel is important. It keeps you busy for you don't really like boredom. I guess I just don't want to ever be viewed as a useless eater, I mean that's harsh. I want to be needed, yet that is kind of an oxymoron cause you get great work for those who work hard and want to be needed like myself which comes the complications that the system really doesn't desire that but desires th useless eaters or sheeple, because they are easily obedient, take orders without question, great for their army and a little more easier to dispose when they are done with them.

When you are awake and the majority are not, for me at least, sometimes I don't know how to act, I just know for a fact that if I be myself, do what I naturally want to do which I know is right, it won't work. So that's the delimna I have. That's why if I do anything, it's always going to be viewed as weird or crazy or awkward.

To be successful in this world, you have to know the truth and lie (not care about others). Well it took me years, at least the first 25 years of my life which is your prime to finally discover the truth and I was never raised to lie and that is why it's harder for me. It's why you can go from loving Xmas to now hating it for example. 

We the good ones are always having to fight harder than others and are always having to defend ourselves from real criminals who like to accuss us, the opposition as criminal. If you don’t believe the Government tried to lump as “terrorists”, check this out from FOX News, straight from Corporate Whore Media where the PRESStitutes work at (bunch of liars, fake). I’m SICK of you people calling me crazy or rolling your eyes & getting into these damn arguments, including my own family, WAKE UP! I want to vomit on all of you for not believing anything I say! Just because I can’t magically pull the news article out of my ass when you’re talk to me or remember everything off the top of my head with the amount of information load thanks to zero help and having my own job to care for, hence my website that you all ignorantly don’t care to look at nor do your own research following the news, doesn’t mean I’m full of crap! But everyone will always think that way about me; I’ll always be the youngest in the family who doesn’t know anything or not respected within the chain of command (obedience). If you hate me so damn much, stop being a coward and have the balls to say it to my face or go ahead and send me to a detention center now! Just know who is fighting for all of your FREEDOMS. It doesn’t require invading people’s homes in another country! I'm tired of being viewed as a criminal when my government and the law enforcers and obedient sheeple are more criminal than I am, which I believe I'm not and 100% clean. I mean I just grab what I see; I don't put much effort into this. It comes really easy. It's not obsession, it's a passion, People are "obsessed" with anything if you want to call it that. I once had a great balance where I would go to work, come home and briefly search the news, exercise, socialize, etc. But then as I could see crap in the news and caring about real issues and nobody else caring and always being rejected, I then started to feel what is the point on the exercise stuff, etc. so I got more "obsessed" with spreading truth since what I use to be wasn't working in my life. and no I won’t simmer it down! Go back to the topless bar and your football, as that is far more important! NO LOVE

From the article:

After the MIAC report surfaced, Ron Paul, Bob Barr, and I sent a letter to the governor of Missouri demanding that the report be removed and that the State of Missouri repudiate the report. After a firestorm of outrage by thousands of Americans all over the country (not just in Missouri) the State of Missouri did indeed remove and repudiate the report.”

- That’s called ACTIVISM, fighting for Freedom! Learn it!

If you don’t resist tyranny you are supporting it.

What the do you mean I couldn't be the president of the United States of America? Tell me something, it's still WE THE PEOPLE right?

I like being Christ at his angriest!

Always a sun in someone else's sky, the tasted once then prohibition-withhold all attention, the most hurtful thing in which is never forgotten

War in Iran & Torture - You can’t become the devil to defeat the devil. We have become the terrorists.

Note: A big misconception of me since I value truth so is whether I can keep a secret or not. Of course I can, I believe things that are personal are what should be secret, the truth I value is the truth that concerns all of us, not myself and someone else only or whatever. I try to keep my personal likes or desires away (music) and just focus on the facts. It is the truth that provides us Liberty, defense from Evil or enslavement that I"m focused on. My passion and knowing what I want does tend for me to be more certain on who I desire more than thers, but that shouldn't mean that I want to get married right away or if rejected on anything, that I can't handle that. I see the positives of everything, the positive of being single my entire life and that's fine as long as I had security or liberty, freedom of enslavement. I'm committed to anything I get engaged in and that inclues taking care of myself.  To me that's life and I can understand rejection, for it's truth on how one thinks and feels about something that is what is best, education. What I can't understand is the cold rejection, lack of attention or confusing attention, the once attention of I like you (friends or whatever) to zero attention as If I'm crazy or a weirdo for standing for such truth.

I guess what bothers me is wearing my heart on my sleeve, not being afraid to illustrate how I feel while you don't (people don't). You remain silent, secretive, witholding how you feel, what you desire, what you are interested in? Many have a hard time expressing their true selves due to fear and I don't think people should have to feel that way. I think it's the opposite that leads to love, being open and not withholding how you feel. I think the more you embrace it, the more you can determine how much you really desire it and it's understandable to love something for awhile and then grow to not love it anymore or just not like it as much.

You should be critical, questioning something always, questioning someone you interact with because you sould understand with enlightenment, waking up to REALITY, that we are all one, we all can perceive things one way or another, that what we perceive with our own 5 senses is not reality their are other people, other minds, we are not mind readers, etc. It's so easy to believe the wrong thing mis-perceiving reality. Easy to believe the masked man the runner sees when he/she approaches home is not a robber, but the catcher at the baseball field. It's being a CSI, an investigator to ensure you have all the facts, evidence, proof! The lack of this, empathy, caring or love (not fear) is the root of what bothers me. (that's hitting the bullseye, personally)

Right and Wrong really only comes from a perspective of Liberty and Love or respect for others like you want for yourself. Do onto others as you want done to you, so Liberty, everyone has rights as long as you don't infringe on others. After that, it's freedom to believe whatever you want to believe, what you desire for yourself, what you want to eat, drink, smoke, etc.

Liberty